Oh la la.

Obviously when I said tomorrow, I meant next week (meaning this week...now...yes). You see I'm actually a Timelord and my Tardis malfunctioned and so when I said I'd be back in a day I'd be back in a week...wait, that's basically the plot to the plot of the first episode of Doctor Who Series 5.

Alright, I was lying. I'm not a Timelord (but I have been watching Doctor Who recently, so maybe that almost counts?) but I have been somewhat ill recently, which is my excuse for not doing anything productive or blog related. Then just as I was getting better I went to a beer festival and got exceedingly drunk and am not ill again, only self-inflicted this time. But I'll still give you a blog, it just may not be the usual top quality you've all come to demand from me...

Today's blog is going to be about France! Oui, c'est incredible! I realise it's been almost a month since my trip, but I'd sort of half-planned a post about it anyway and iI haven't thought about anything else to do (I don't remember much of the Beer Festival!) so France will have to do.
So. La France. Other than being French, what's it actually like? Well, I think I can just about sum it up in one simple word: weird. Actually, very weird. I needed a whole extra word simply to justify this. And I can tell what you're thinking, and you're right, this is not going to be a cleverly argued analysis of French culture and traditions.

Perhaps weird is the wrong word, I hear you clever semantic scholars out there cry (through your straightjackets, obviously, you crazy guys). Well yes, I suppose I could just say France is different, and of course mostly it is. As much as I mock the French (I'm British, it's what we do), I do actually quite like a lot about their culture. Their dedication to cheese, wine and hating the English is simply admirable. So I do like to think that the things I'm about to show you are actually weird, and not just me mocking an inferior - I mean, different, of course - nation...
It may come as a surprise to you, but I'm a bloke, and come with all the usual bits. For example, my personal hygiene, while good, could possibly be better. But seeing things like this make me feel vastly superior:

Yes, it is what you think it is. It's a hole in the ground for shitting in. But not just any hole in the ground for a shitting in, oh no. It's a hole in the ground for shitting in that's actually been designed as a hole in the ground for shitting in. I mean okay yes, it was at a roadstop right in the middle of nowhere, but seriously! I mean if it was just a hole that would be one thing, but it's actually been designed for someone to squat over: it's got bloody places to put your feet for fuck's sake! I mean that's not just me being ignorant, surely? Oh France.

Now, prepare for yourself to be traumatised, and when you look at this next image, please be aware it's aimed at children:


It's a weird blue alien pedophile thing! I believe it's saying "take your tray" or something along those lines, as it's above a load of trays. But it's definitely aimed at children, because there's a load of other stuff that indicates it's part of the children menu thing. I found this oddball at another place we stopped along whatever the French version of the motorway is called, one with a restaurant obviously (and proper toilets!). Now I suppose it could just be the cutlure thing, but is this strange to anyone else? I swear he looks like he's about to rape something. What a merde. Creepy though, right? It gets worse:


Sweet mercy, they gave him a girlfriend! Obviously you can tell she's a girl because he's blue and she's pink, which is because the whoever designed this whole thing is a gender-assigning bigot. Judith Butler would be ashamed! One rapist alien is creepy enough, but to give him a partner? Don't worry kids, while the strange blue alien rapes you his girlfriend will take pictures. Sacre blue (and sacre pink while we're at it). And I don't think I want to "decouvre" my surprise...but it gets even worse:


Yep, they went ever further. To fully complete the child traumatising process, they've made him into a giant inflatable thing, emphasising the creepiness with a disturbing realism just to make sure the children know he's definitely a real threat. Please tell me if I'm just not seeing the fun side, but I really think this is more than just a strange European thing and actually a plan to psychology torment poor French children into eating their food.

So there we are, les Francais and their special ways. Please do let me know if you think I'm just being an uneducated twat, but I just think these things are...more than just a culture difference! Oh dear...well that's all from me for today, and for the record sort out images onto Blogger is a bitch and a half. I hope you appreciate the pretty pictures!

~ Toby